Horse Manure and Self Hate?

by Ryan Biddulph

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I am house sitting in horse country.

Playing stable boy for 2 weeks comes part and parcel with the house sit.

While shoveling manure 2 days ago I forget to turn off the hose funneling water into the troughs. I estimate the water ran for approximately 12 hours. Doing a quick calculation revealed how the water bill should not be too high next month. The homeowner already runs a 24-7 trough drip in the paddock for the beasts.

But an instant surge of rage, self-hate and abject disgust arose in my being the moment I made the seeming mistake.


Water running from a hose does not create rage. Muddy stalls do not create self-disgust.

Scraps of thoughts and feelings still kick around in my mind related to being beaten and verbally abused as a child. In one part of my mind, making the mistake means being punished in traumatic fashion. Being punished with these methods feels quite horrible. I still recall some of those unpleasant experiences 40 years after the events.

However, instead of projecting my anger onto:

  • myself
  • my wife
  • my life, in general

I walked inside of the house, began doing my Kriya tensing and screamed as I tensed out the rage-filled thoughts and feelings. A bit of anger in my mind kicks around; the ego still wants to hurt people who hurt me. But the only way to release self hate is to forgive the:

  • fear
  • anger
  • rage

festering in the mind, fueling the self-hate. As an added bonus, I have completely forgiven all folks who appeared to hurt me because I realized the only cause of the abuse was their suppressed fear, rage, hate and yes, their being abused by people, too.

I immediately felt much better the moment I yelled out the self-hate because I released-forgave the fear from my mind. Forgiving fear feels bad in the moment but feels much better in the next moment.

I walked outside, shoveled the water and mud created by the overnight flow and felt great about it all. I even smiled, joked around and engaged in some good natured self-deprecation concerning my forgetfulness. HA!

We Make Choices Based on What We Bury in Our Minds

For years, I built up my physique as a bodybuilder.

But I only became a bodybuilder to allegedly defend myself from the fears in my mind, as a channel for my buried rage and to defend myself from other humans who could attempt to abuse me in some way, shape or form in the future. Perhaps I could even intimidate people into leaving me alone before they could hurt me. Again; the fear, abuse and rage motivated me to begin lifting because each poisonous emotion sat buried, deep in my mind.

I also punished my body through brutal bodybuilding sessions because I hated self and believed I deserved to be punished.

Far from being some Freudian analysis, I am here to remind you that you cannot escape your subconscious mind and that you will make life choices concerning your:

  • business
  • job
  • relationships
  • family

based on thoughts and feelings buried deep inside of your mind.

Imagine if self-hate, fear and abject despair sits deep in your mind? What choices will you make if deeply buried self-hate influences your decisions? You will make choices consistent with someone who:

  • hates themselves
  • punishes themselves
  • despises themselves

Far from being a drug addict, alcoholic or sex addict, you may simply marry someone who you fight with endlessly, because you subconsciously believe that you deserve to be punished, laughed at, mocked, poked and prodded.

The other person is not really doing it; they simply reflect back to you your subconscious beliefs. Face, feel and release the fears and the spouse either becomes kind, loving and caring or you get a good-feeling, freeing divorce that you mutually agree on.

Everything is in your mind.

Your life is in your mind.

Do you feel the need to make some serious changes? Do you feel unhappy? Does everything seem to go wrong with your life? Does happiness evade you?

Gently, lovingly and intentionally journey within the inner portions of your mind, scaling the citadels the illusory ego created.

Cry into a pillow. Scream into a pillow. Face your deepest fears. Quickly, and dramatically, your life will improve by following the simple, direct, fast-track step of facing fears in your mind, the only cause of all:

  • problems
  • struggles
  • failures
  • unhappiness
  • depression
  • rage
  • anger
  • madness
  • delusion

As you clear more and more fears from your mind life becomes easier, more enjoyable and quite freeing.

Living your dreams is not about slaving, straining and striving against resistance created by fears in your mind.

Go within to change the without.

About the Author 

Ryan Biddulph

Ryan Biddulph helps you learn how to blog at Blogging From Paradise.

  1. Great story, Ryan. I've beaten myself up far too many times in the past for simple mistakes, undoubtedly worth looking deeper into why that happens and making changes to let it go. I miss the farm at times, especially the animals, but don't miss the constant chores, especially in the winter :). Enjoy your house sit!

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