The other day, a friend of mine who was a new stepparent asked me, “What is the best advice you have for a new stepparent?” I'm not a psychologist, but I am a father of five with my 9th anniversary coming up with a blended family, so I have learned a few things over the years. In case you are a new stepmom or stepdad, here is my best advice for new stepparents.
Stepparent Tip #1: Read The Smart Stepdad or The Smart Stepmom
When I first became a stepdad, I read a lot of books on the subject. One specific book stood out, “The Smart Stepdad: Steps to Help You Succeed.” There's another book, “The Smart Stepmom: Practical Steps to Help You Thrive,” with similar advice for mom. The author, Ron Deal, is a speaker and therapist who specializes in blended families, and his stepparent advice is practical and easy to follow. If you are a new stepparent, my best advice is to grab a copy of this book and read it.
You might also want to grab a copy of “Screamfree Parenting: How to Raise Amazing Adults by Learning to Pause More and React Less” and “Screamfree Marriage: Calming Down, Growing Up and Getting Closer” which are some of my all-time favorite relationship books. While these books have “scream” in the name, they aren't really talking about yelling; screams come in many forms, including “the silent treatment,“ where people try to ignore the problem rather than working through it. These books give practical advice that can improve nearly any relationship.
There are many other articles on the subject you can read too like the ones below. Remember many people have become stepparents before you, learn from them!
Becoming a Stepparent
12 Things No One Tells You About Being a Stepparent
Being a Stepparent: What You Need to Know to Make it Work
Stepparent Tip #2: Let Dad or Mom Handle Most Discipline at First
At the beginning of a stepparent relationship, it's important not to have negative interactions with your new stepchild constantly. While you shouldn't let your stepchild walk all over you and should put in appropriate healthy boundaries, let the person who has been the parent since birth handle most of the discipline at first. Gradually you can and should insert yourself into those situations more and more, but don't be the bad guy right out of the gate.
Stepparent Tip #3: Put Your Stepfamily in the Crockpot, Not the Microwave
This piece of stepparent advice came from another friend who is a blended family counselor, stepmom, and grandmother. “Put it in the crockpot, not the microwave.”
Cindy explained, “There are three primary ways that people try to cook a stepfamily. The first is to microwave it. Here's your new dad or mom. You should love and respect this person just like your biological mom or dad because I say they're good. We're doing away with all the stuff you're familiar with, and here are the new traditions. Microwaving things that shouldn't be microwaved often ends up making a mess, and families are something that shouldn't be microwaved.”
“The next method is to toss it like a salad. Everyone keeps doing what they are doing, people go their own way for the holidays, and things never really gel together. If you look at a salad, you can see the distinct ingredients; it's never really fully blended. That's the way tossing a step family works when everyone keeps doing their own thing; they never fully blend.”
“The final method is what I recommend. Throw everything in the crockpot, turn the heat on low, and let it simmer. Let people do their own things in the beginning, but create new traditions as a family as well. Don't pressure the kids to say mom or dad, let them start doing that on their own if they want. Don't immediately demand the same level of affection from the kids that they give to those who have been with them from birth. Spend time together, and make memories. With time and low heat, everything turns out wonderful.”
Photo by Janine on Flickr
Time Makes Special Moments Better
My oldest daughter, Emma, was almost a teenager when we first met. Given that she had watched her mom go through bad relationships in the past, I didn't force her to try and call me “dad” or say “I love you.” When those words popped out of her mouth a few years later, they were extra special because of the wait.
Don't rush your kids to say such things. Just like it wouldn't be as meaningful for a new romantic interest to say “I love you” on the first date, it's not as meaningful when you force your kids to say stuff they don't yet feel. Trust me; if and when those special moments come, they will mean a lot more to you if you've earned them through your consistent actions than if you've forced the issue.
I hope this stepparent advice helps! If you have other tips, feel free to leave them in the comments!
About the Author
Don Smith
Happily married with five kids, Smith owns a technology company, is the founder of this site, has served on the board of directors for multiple companies, and loves playing soccer, hiking, and mentoring.
I’ve lost my passion for life. How do I renew it? 3 Questions you must ask yourself today to revive your passion!
Looking back through my last few articles, I realized that I have frequently been running myself into the ground. My bed had
Is Your Dream Your Dream?
I watched a movie preview a few moments ago. NBA star and now filmmaker Kevin Durant plans to release an autobiography on
How Can You Be More Compassionate?
My wife and I had an interesting experience yesterday. We landed a house sit in a remote area of New Jersey. Everything
Pass the Ball to Succeed on and off the Court
This weekend I was playing soccer with my youngest son and daughter in the park. At first, I was running away with
Everything Is A-OK
As a former worry-wort, I had to remind myself that everything was A-OK, frequently. Even if things do not appear to be
Avoid the Traffic Jam to Succeed
I left work at 5:01 PM yesterday, a rarity for me. Pulling out of the parking lot, I realized I was stuck
Do You Choose Short Term Comfort over Long Term Freedom?
My wife and I woke up around 8:30 today. We decided to take a hike in the Hike Peaks Wilderness Area of
Work-Life Balance May Not Mean What You Think
As an executive and business owner, I have to chuckle sometimes when I see books like “The 4-Hour Workweek.” Work-life balance is
Creative Ways to Relax In 2021
Today's fast-paced, ever-busy way of life may actually become a threat to your health in the long run. Although the spirit is
1 Tip for Overcoming Business Depression
Running a business can be challenging sometimes because you face strong fears along your journey. Facing various fears can be quite depressing.
Happy Birthday to Me – Life Lessons and a Birthday Request
Three years ago today, I published an article, “7 life lessons I've learned over the past 39 years.” Those lessons remain the
Why Giving Is the Quickest Way to Get
I spend a few moments daily reading Quora questions to help my fellow bloggers. Without fail, bloggers ask mostly about how to