Click: The Magic of Instant Connections by Ori Brafman and Rom Brafman is Our Personal Development Book Club Pick of the Month
Have you ever wondered how some people can consistently create immediate connections with those they meet? That's what this book is all about, exploring how some are able to instantly build rapport with those they meet.
For a long time, I envied those who could create relationships without seeming to even try. I read nearly every relationship book I could get my hands on, and gradually got better at creating those relationships. This particular book has been instrumental in allowing me to understand and utilize the techniques employed by master networkers to improve my own ability to make connections.
Incidentally, this was the book I was reading when I met my wife. Reading the stories cited in this book helped give me the courage to marry a woman only three months after I met her, as insane as that sounds. Many happily married years later, I'm very thankful for the insight. You can read more about our story in How Do I Know When I've Met “The One”
This is not a book about manipulating others. This is a book about putting your best foot forward to make that initial connection, and being intentional about creating relationships.
I hope you enjoy this month's selection and get a lot out of it!
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Excerpt from Click: The Magic of Instant Connections
Chapter 1: Finding Magic
Sitting by the pool at the Pasadena Ritz Carlton, Paul was about to do something impulsive, even by his standards.
The Southern California evening breeze was starting to pick up. Although it had only been two days since they first met, anyone within earshot of Paul and the woman sitting across from him at the poolside table would have thought they'd known each other for years. They talked about everything from world travels to the antiwar movement in the 1970s to Socratic philosophy; their conversation had a natural flow to it.
Watching the two of them — Nadia, with her fine Mediterranean features and striking jet black hair, Paul, with his rugged all-American looks — one had a sense of their natural comfort together.
It was as if each was attuned to what the other was thinking. One moment they were laughing at embarrassing childhood stories, and the next they were finishing each other's sentences. If there's such a thing as synergy between two people, it seemed almost palpable here.
One would never suspect that the two were ostensibly meeting for work. At the time, Paul was leading a $15 billion project proposal to clean up a nuclear weapons facility in Colorado. To help put the proposal together, Paul had assembled experts from around the world. The team had taken over an office building in Pasadena; the work was so intense that the office remained open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.
It was Paul's role to make sure all the countless moving parts worked together. Paul was used to this level of intensity. A former army officer in the special forces, Paul was trained to make split-second decisions, and he has the kind of personality people naturally respond to — he is a natural leader. In conversation, he focuses intently on the other person's every word, making it clear he's fully present.
Every morning at exactly 8:15 a.m., Paul assembled the top executives from the team to brief them about the strategy for the day.
The meeting several days ago was different, though. From the beginning, Paul was keenly aware of the new team member, Nadia. “I immediately thought, who is that?” He instantly felt attracted to her. Nadia's initial reaction to him appeared to be very different, however. It was her first day on the job. Her vacation in Paris had been abruptly cut short so that she could fly to Pasadena and take over as the project's chief operating officer. If that hadn't soured her mood enough, Paul made a comment during the meeting — seemingly out of left field — that soured it further.
“I uttered something about there being nothing new in human relations since the time of Plato, Aristotle, and Socrates,” he recalled. “I don't even remember why.”
Toward the end of the meeting, as Paul stood before the group, he noticed, out of the corner of his eye, a folded note being passed around, from person to person. As he continued speaking, the note eventually was handed to him. He unfolded it and read the first line: “I completely disagree with you.”
The note went on for an entire page. But it was unsigned. He looked up, searching for a nod from the note's author. But all he got were blank stares. Only after the meeting ended and the rest of the people filed out of the room did Nadia walk up to Paul.
Remembers Nadia, “Here we haven't met yet, and I just wrote him a note that said, ‘I don't agree with you; what about the change in master-slave relations and relationships between men and women? There have been so many advances in society since then. How can you make such a comment? I'd like to discuss this with you.'”
But Paul, instead of becoming defensive, was intrigued. “I'd like to continue the conversation with you,” he told her.
“Any time,” she fired back.
Twelve hours later, they were sitting by the pool.
They had told themselves that they intended to use the time not just to resolve the argument but also to delve into some important issues regarding work. Work, however, never came up during their conversation together. Toward the end of the evening, the intensity of their interaction was difficult to ignore.
“Are we going to end up getting in trouble?” Paul Asked Nadia, realizing that they were letting work get away from them.
“Yes,” she said simply. It was clear to her from the beginning that there was something between them. “The moment he made that comment about Plato and Aristotle,” she told us, “I knew. What we valued in life was very much the same, as were the things we thought were trivial. Who's outrageous enough to even bring up Plato and Aristotle in the middle of a strategy session? I mean, what does anybody who's in there know about Plato and the Greeks, or care about them? He had that courage to be different.”
Having accomplished little of the work they had been planning to do, the pair decided to meet again the following night by the pool. And then it happened. Paul, seemingly without any forethought, looked at Nadia and asked, “What would you say if I told you that I loved you and wanted to marry you?”
Nadia retorted, “Is that a hypothetical or is that an offer?”
Paul said, “Let's see what tomorrow brings.”
Let's hit the pause button here: First, it's important to note that Paul and Nadia weren't teenagers driven by hyperactive hormones. They were seasoned business executives. Like most of us, when they met a new person, they usually spent their first moments searching for something to talk about. Where are you from? What kind of work do you do?
Occasionally, though, an interaction with another person is more intense and intimate from the get-go. Maybe we share the same sense of humor, or we admire the other individual's personality or passion, or we immediately sense that we can just be ourselves around the other person. Things feel right; we hit it off. There is an immediate sense of familiarity, and conversation flows easily, without embarrassing pauses or self-consciousness. In essence, we click.
Reprinted from Click by Ori Brafman and Rom Brafman. Copyright 2010. Published by Broadway Business/Crown Publishers, a division of Random House, Inc.