I’ve fallen out of love with my spouse, I’m lost. How do I find that friendship and love again?

by Don Smith

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So you've fallen out of love with your spouse, or think you have, and are wondering if you can ever get that connection back.  I've got some good news for you.  You once had the connection, so you have great prospects on getting it back!  How do you get that loving feeling back though?

Ask yourself what did you do in the beginning of your relationship? 

Do that!

My guess is that the two of you went out on dates, just the two of you. 

Do that!

You probably went for walks and talked. 

Do that!

You dreamed together, you talked about life goals, your plans for the future. 

Do that!

You wrote little love letters to each other. 

Do that!

You hopped into bed at the drop of a hat, feeling excited about your partner. 

Definitely Do That, even if you have to practically force yourself at first!

It is extremely easy to lose that connection with your spouse over time when the day to day stuff comes up, especially with kids.  You lose the basics of where it all started, and other habits take the place of the habits you had in the beginning.  Find a babysitter, go out on a date with your spouse.  You and the kids will be better for it.  Start going back to the basics and start putting those habits back in place, and you'll find your husband or wife again!

Take some time to get away from the kids

If you want to take a deeper dive into some of the stickier issues in marriage, I encourage you to read a few books from the relationship section of my recommended books.  
In particular, check out ScreamFree Marriage.  I know you're probably not literally screaming at each other, but searching the Internet for answers is one form of screaming out for help.  You'll get a lot of practical advice from that book that you can use to change your life and improve your marriage.

Another thing that I highly recommend is to attend a workshop like A Weekend to Remember from FamilyLife.  These workshops have rekindled the love in many relationships, and are a combination of a great vacation with intense weekend-long counseling sessions designed to pull the two of you back together again.  There are also lots of helpful articles on their website for various issues you may be facing.

Do these things, take action, and you can get back to the for better part of those wedding vows.  Marriage shouldn't be constantly in the for worse category of those vows, but to get it back to the better portions you have to be the one to take the first steps.  Focus on what you can change on your side, and you may find that your spouse will follow you back down the right road.

About the Author 

Don Smith

Happily married with five kids, Smith owns a technology company, is the founder of this site, has served on the board of directors for multiple companies, and loves playing soccer, hiking, and mentoring.

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